150 Hilarious Facebook and Twitter Status Updates :D

Every day, I come across a few hilarious reads on Facebook. Some of them are so funny,cool and witty, that I actually feel stupid laughing or gazing all by myself!Here is a list of the funniest,coolest and wittiest Facebook and Twitter updates that i have come across.Add yours in the comment section! Laugh and make your close ones laugh! Cheers :-) !!!

1. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good :P
2. Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up!
3. Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.
4. Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off!
5. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
6. I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
7. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings :P
8. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places!
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
10. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room!
11. Do you ever just look at someone and “why” is the only thing you can come up with?
12. My motto in life is: If you can’t convince them, confuse the crap out of them!
13. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
14. Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
15. What you believe is wrong. My opinion is fact.
16. 2 in every one people are schizophrenic!
17. Bumper Sticker: Jesus may love you, but everybody else hates your guts!
18. They say that drinking kills brain cells, but the way I figure it is that it’s like a lion chasing a herd of buffalo. It will only kill the slowest ones first.
19. Why is it when there is a 50/50 chance of doing something right, 90% of the time you do it wrong??
20. I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
21. You don’t have to like me. I’m not a Facebook status :)
22. Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos. This is why I am proud to say I am an idiot!
23. I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
24. I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
25. I’m not in denial I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
26. Ever heard of this book title? How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children?
27. I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it’s in a jar on my desk :P
28. In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
29. If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?
30. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
31. If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
32. Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can’t see that it says: This one had insurance. Don’t kill him :P
33. Whenever I’m leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.
34. Friends come and friends go, but enemies accumulate!
35. Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
36. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell, and still have them look forward to the trip.
37. My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession :)
38. Avoid employing unlucky people – throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them!
39. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
40. Two Rules of Success : 1) Don’t tell everything you know.
41. The best thing about telepathy is… I know, right?
42. What do you call 1000 nuns in a warehouse? …… Virgin Megastore!!
43. I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
44. There are 24 cans of beer in a beer case, and 24 hours in a day. I don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
45. I’m only crazy when other people cant stand that I’m right!
46. Men are like public toilets, they are either taken or full of shit.
47. Carpe Diem: Seize the day… Carp e denim: Theres a fish in my pants
48. I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
49. My doctor told me not to drink any more, so I don’t. I don’t drink any less, but I don’t drink any more.
50. I phoned my father to tell him I had stopped smoking… He called me a quitter.
51. I am wondering if one can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
52. I went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
53. Have you noticed that the “lol” symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet hes not laughing out loud!
54. I sometimes think that Facebook should change the status question from “What’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today?”
55. The worst time part of the night is when I am sober enough to remember the number of the new girl I just met and drunk enough to call!
56. I’m thinkin about takin my own life, I might as well. Except they might not sell weed in hell :P
57. Virginity is like a bubble. One prick and its all gone.
58. I saw this amazing bumper sticker the other day: “Save the environment; kill yourself”.
59. If you can’t be a good example, be a terrible warning.
60. Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
61. Egypt needs a new president. I need a summer job. This could be perfect.
62. Windows 95 is not a virus. Viruses DO something!
63. I had a girlfriend once, but then she changed her screen name…
64. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a swimming pool!
65. My friend always speaks with a lisp… Makes me wonder, who’s cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have a “s” in it?
66. Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
67. The best way to get back at the man who steals your wife…is to let him keep her.
68. Save water- shower with me!
69. I have PMS and a stick… now what were you saying?
70. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!
71. Today I learned the real meaning of this sentence: Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
72. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research!
73. A piece of advice: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
74. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
75. Warning: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
76. People are nuts: They believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
77. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
78. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
79. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
80. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
81. It seems that the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off due to economic conditions!
82. All you want for Christmas is me :P
83. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do!
84. I came across a bumper sticker that said: Please God, protect me from your followers…
85. I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
86. o matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats — approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less!
87. You don’t have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.
88. It’s hard to decide whether I want to be good or bad since good girls go to heaven, yet bad girls go everywhere!
89. My 40 year old friend is proof that no one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
90. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
91. Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
92. Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
93. Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
94. The great thing about me being a pessimist is that I am either always right, or plesantly disproven.
95. It is better to have loved a short person than to never have love a’tall.
96. A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
97. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
98. People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
99. Disclaimer: Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
100. Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
101. When I broke up with someone the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?
102. It’s too bad stupidity isn’t painful…
103. They say don’t drink and drive, you might get hurt. For me its don’t drink and walk… I’m bruised!
104. For all those who were at the pub on Monday, please refer to me because I can’t remember anything! Thanks… The bartender
105. I am suffering from technological mood swings!
106. Always borrow money from pessimists; they’ll never expect it back!
107. The quickest way to a man’s heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe!
108. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train!
109. Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
110. My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work :P
111. Another boring sushi date? Here’s a fun idea: Each time they’re about to take a bite, yell: “Wait! I think it moved!”
112. My girlfriend is such a good cook; the smoke alarms applaud her!
113. I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: Getting up early every day or acting like you know what you’re doing. :P
114. I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive… But suicide’s a crime.
115. If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
116. Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face!
117. Alcohol does NOT make you fat! It makes you lean… against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ….ugly people!!!
118. We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go .
119. If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you!
120. I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying “You’re next.” They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
121. I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
122. A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
123. If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
124. Stupidity killed the cat, curiosity was framed.
125. What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?
126. The world would be a better place without me, and I simply will not allow that.
127. If at first you don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught, and then lie.
128. My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
129. I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
130. The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
131. Hmmmmm… Heaven won’t take me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over!
132. I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it …
133. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers :p
134. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut!
135. The remarkable thing about life is: no matter how bad it gets it can always get worse.
136. The remarkable thing about life is: no matter how bad it gets it can always get worse.
137. Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
138. I have a drinking problem: I can’t afford it.
139. While money can’t buy love, it can buy a damn good imitation.
140. Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some people abuse the privilege.
141. Having a baby sure changes the way you view your in-laws. You simply love it when they come to visit now. They can babysit while you go out and party….
142. If the theory says that man evolved from monkeys and apes, then why do we still have monkeys and apes?
143. It’s just one of those days when you wake up and say: **ck it, I’m taking a decision, I made up my mind, then you go buy an Audi R8 or something else…
144. A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
145. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?
146. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor….:)
147. Never underestimate the importance of cup holders!
148. If you’re gonna regret it in the morning.. Enjoy it to the max at night!
149. They say your body is a temple… mine is a recycle bin!
150. I went out for a drink, I woke uon the street!

Hope you had a good laugh! :D

Looking forward to reading more of your favorite funniest Facebook status updates in the comments section below.