- For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember.. that’s where the knives are kept.
- Some of my friends are like a slinky – completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.
- Is On The Toilet (>_<) (o_o) (0_0) ~ (^_^) Ahhhhhhhh That`s Better.
- I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.
- I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.
- I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
- Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
- LIKE if you have that one friend that Laughs at everything. Even when it’s not funny.
- “Was that lightning?!” “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
- Telling someone that you’re going to bed, When you’re actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook.
- If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
- If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids, why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
- That awkward moment when someone *Likes* One of your Very old Facebook statuses and you think “Creeper”.
- The best feature of the iPhone is the feature that keeps you from getting pushed in the pool.
- When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
- When I order coffee or whatever from starbucks and they ask me for my name I like to look at their name tag and then just say their name and then they’re always like nooo wayyy that’s my name too and then I’m also like noo wayyy and I always expect them to give me something for free because we have the same name but they never do
- I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong
- when a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 more minutes, it’s the same as when a guy says the game has 5 minutes left.:D
- AATCHOO! …….?(-??~•~)?……. If you`re allergic to bullshit, drama, liars, and 2-faced people, LIKE to keep this sneeze going.
- My grandma has always told me that if you have nothing good to say then don’t say anything at all, yet people still wonder why I am so quiet (:
- That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
- That awkward moment when you’re trying to ignore a call and accidentally answer it.
- Never look back. If Cinderella went to pick up her shoe, she would not had become a princess.:D
- That awesome moment when you got a question wrong on a test but your teacher accidentally marked it correct.
- If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
- A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- If I opened a camera store called Photo Shop, do you think I’d get sued by Adobe?
- Somebody slowly drove by my apartment around 3am this morning blasting not rap, not rock, but organ music. I’m pretty sure it was the Phantom of the Opera.
- Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face… Yes my kids found my Sharpie stash.
- You know you’re getting old when the guys from the “cialis” commercials are starting to look hot.
- Women love the winter because they don’t have to shave their legs. I think it’s time for me to shave though…my giraffe tattoo has a mustache!
- 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
- Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
- If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
- Wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
- Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
- One day a chicken crossed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!
- Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like status: I can’t log into facebook
- Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
- Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
- If money grew on trees, girls would be dating monkeys!
- I am not born to please people, So if you want to get pleased try me in next life…good luck!
- Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes playing with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one. (;
- Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
- Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
- I used to play sports alot. Until, recently I realized that trophies are much cheaper than I ever imagined they were. You know what, now I’m good at everything.
- I could talk about myself for hours. But the second someone asks me to tell them a little bit about myself? I can’t even remember my name.
- Mom always said not to write on walls…but apparently on Facebook you can.
- Warning!!! Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy, beautiful people!! Don’t worry…you are OK. I just wanted to say “good-bye!”
Hope you had a good laugh!
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